you know that job that you take after college or university while you’re trying to land the career that you literally just spent 4+ years getting a degree for?
yeah… that was the Depot for me.
and guess what? that in-between period has lasted for 14 years.
we have a saying in my store that retail is an accidental career.
not many actively seek out to become a professional cashier.
(or a “cashier with dignity” as michael scott describes it on The Office.)
*moving forward, i’ve made the difficult decision to exclude the word h 0 /\/\ 3 from my writing about the Depot. i may even occasionally refer to it as the big orange box.
am i paranoid?
you better believe it! this company literally has a team of twenty employees dedicated to scouring the internet daily for any derogatory acknowledgment about the brand.
i’m convincing myself that if i just use the word “Depot”, it’s going to feel edgy. like i’m a cool kid with shades and a backward cap, leaning up against a brick wall at the 7-11 telling you about the Depot.
(as i wrote it, i realized how strange and sketchy that sounded.)
over the course of 14 years at the Depot, i have many stories to share.
some horrific. others hilarious.
i’m probably not even supposed to share most of these and could potentially get into a lawsuit. but, it’s all good:
it’s therapeutic for me and entertaining for you.
i cordially invite you to put on a complimentary orange apron and come along for the ride. (no forklifts though- you need a certification for that).
it was during my first week as a supervisor that i encountered a ghost.
the ghost didn’t originate as the result of the time that our trash compactor unexpectedly exploded and caught on fire- but was an apparition that a customer brought in with her.
at the time, i had just been promoted to be a supervisor of the flooring and home decor department.
the toughest thing about the promotion wasn’t that it only paid a dollar more an hour- but, that i was now supervising and writing reviews for employees who were literally my peers not more than 24 hrs prior. it’s awkward. and there are only two ways to approach it: you become the authoritarian and micromanage everyone to establish your position of power. or you become the best friend boss- the one that high-fives everyone for showing up to work and doing the bare minimum. that was me- i was that guy. what can i say?- i don’t like conflict.
on my first shift as supervisor, two of the older flooring specialists stood by the desk and watched me sell 48 cases of floor tile to a customer.
it was a big sale. “looks like i’ve still got it!” i said to myself as i grabbed a flat cart to load the tile onto. i put on my orange gloves and began to load up the tile, one painful case at a time (you have to wear gloves for every task that you do in the Depot. even if it’s just putting a boxed drill kit on the shelf. hand cuts are one of the top injuries in the company and if you are caught not wearing gloves, it can lead to an immediate write-up).
as i loaded up the tile, i began to break a bit of a sweat.
i glanced over at the two employees as they leaned by the desk, watching me lug case after case of tile onto the customer’s cart. i figured that if i made eye contact, they would offer to lend a hand. but, nope, just stood there watching. very smug.
it’s not like i stole their sale. and being the friendly boss man, i wouldn’t dare ask for help.
finally, i loaded case number 48 and attempted to push a cart of 384 lbs of tile across the building and proceeded to load it case by case into the customer’s pickup truck.
drenched in sweat, i gallantly strode back to the department.
”well, that was a big sale!” i said to the two elderly employees, who were now grinning at me.
”well, boss…” one of them said. “how many cases did you sell?”
”48!” i beamed.
”and how many come on a pallet?”
”50!” i stated (very matter of fact).
”well, here’s a question: rather than load 48 cases and then unload 48 cases at the customer’s truck, why didn’t you just take a pallet jack, bring all 50 cases to the loading bay, remove the 2 and load the rest for the customer?”
uhhhh… i was speechless.
the thought never crossed my mind. i was consumed with being boss-buddy.
”well, kid” he said. “you’re not going to stay young forever.
you want to know why we didn’t help? we wanted you to struggle and feel the pain.
because every time you choose to work harder, not smarter, you’re going to remember the strain and sweat of what you just did!”
both men laughed and went to go on their break. (you’re not supposed to take your break at the same time as another employee, but my jaw was so low on the floor, i had no words to say. also, i was boss-buddy).
but, i digress- this story is about a ghost, not floor tile.
“this is crazy. i know you’re going to think i’m crazy- but, i need someone to help me. please.” she sobbed.
i was at the customer service desk trying to console this woman who had tears streaming down her cheeks. her body trembling as she was fighting to take a breath.
she wiped her eyes and caught some snot along the underside of her hand and smeared it across her face. her hair was frazzled. eyes bloodshot. she was a mess.
no one knew what brought her into the store that day. when i asked the employee what they needed help with, all they responded with was “this woman keeps telling us that she’s crazy and we need a manager!”
i stood there with my hands clasped behind my back. i often don’t know what to do with my hands, especially in awkward scenarios like this.
i guided the woman over to the corner of the customer service desk. the man standing behind her was waiting to return a pressure washer and i could see he was getting visibly upset that he was made to wait (the joke was on him though- our return policy window for electric pressure washers is only 90 days! boom!
over the years, i’ve found that middle-aged men who return electric pressure washers tend to be some of the most irate people that i’ve ever met
…but, there was no victory: this was the Depot, and we accept all returns- even used drain cleaners to unclog toilets. oof, i have plenty of Depot toilet stories).
having stepped aside, the woman gained a bit of composure.
”okay. you’re going to think i’m crazy. but, here’s the thing: my bathroom is haunted. and i need you guys to come into my house and make the ghost go away”.
… right… this wasn’t in my training.
there was no “how to support your employees and perform exorcisms” module.
i gently asked her to explain why she believed that her bathroom was haunted.
”this!” she handed me a flimsy sheet of paper with a photo on it that had been printed with an inkjet printer. this simple detail really dates the story, as it was 10 years ago- and in present day, one simply would email a photo, if necessary. sometimes i look at our home printer and ask “why do you even exist?”
it was a photo of her bathroom, taken from the doorway in an aerial view. she must have stood on a chair or ladder to take the photo.
and sure enough, in the photo were faint words on the linoleum floor, along with what appeared to be several pentacles.
the words read “LEAVE THIS ROOM”. and were blood red.
“you see it, right?! you can see the words bleeding through my floor?
i haven’t used my ensuite in months. not ever since the ghost started appearing and haunting the floor. and now satanic symbols are appearing.
we renovated the entire bathroom and i can’t even step foot in it because the ghost is telling me to stay out of the room. i think it’s angry that we renovated the bathroom and disturbed its space.”
i was at a loss for words.
now, i’m not a skeptic. i’ve seen things in my life. scary things.
there is no doubt in my mind that there are supernatural elements that overlap into the physical realm. but, this didn’t feel right. something felt off.
i stared at the photo for minutes. and despite my disbelief, it was a frightening sight.
”LEAVE THIS ROOM”. (i wasn’t even in the room and i wanted to leave it!)
after 30 minutes of trying to console the customer and wrack my brain for a reasonable explanation, i called for backup.
i picked up a phone and dialed extension 523, calling one of my employees to come meet me at the front of aisle 4.
he was a former flooring installer, retired, and according to him: “he’s seen it all!”
he was probably the only person in the building who could lend proper logic to this situation.
the only risk was that he occasionally flies off the handle with his temper. i thought it was best to meet with him away from the customer because the last thing she would need is an old man telling her to stop being so hysterical.
i showed him the photo.
he had the same puzzled look in his eyes that i did.
”hmmm. this is a new one, that’s for sure,” he stated.
”you don’t think… this can’t be legit, right?” i questioned.
”i don’t rule anything out. but, i think there’s some logical explanation for this one.”
his hand rubbing his chin while he was lost in deep thought.
suddenly, i was doubting his ability to resolve this.
with my luck, this likely would be an actual haunted floor and i’d be required to go the extra mile, hire a priest, and do a site-visit and free the demon from the bathroom.
suddenly, he began to chuckle.
“okay. i figured it out.
let’s go get rid of a ghost!”
i had no idea what that meant.
i followed his lead as he marched up to the customer service desk.
“okay ma’am. let’s address this so-called haunting.” he stated.
please god, don’t let him have one of his customer freak outs. i prayed.
”i know- i’m crazy! but, please, please tell me i’m not crazy! i can’t take it anymore!” she wailed. the tears were back. one of the customer servicey employees had her seated in a chair and was gently rubbing her back to console her.
”did the H_ _ _ Depot install this floor for you?” he asked.
”yes, probably six months ago.”
”and after they installed it, did it have a chemical smell that was quite pungent?”
”oh, it was awful! i kept a fan blowing in the room and the odor lasted for weeks. and that’s when the blood letters started appearing in the floor. that’s when the ghost started haunting me!” more wailing.
”okay. here’s what it is:
this type of flooring that is in your bathroom is called loose lay vinyl flooring.
it’s a floating floor-”
”FLOATING?! like a ghost!?” she interrupted.
”no.” he didn’t skip a beat. “a floating floor is one that isn’t glued or nailed down. it rests over the subfloor.
see this star shape that looks like a pentacle? it’s actually a cut marking from the installer to note that there’s a seam. did we install any other flooring at the same time?”
”yes, the installers put the same flooring in our kitchen.” she said.
“that makes sense,” he smiled.
”the words don’t actually say “leave this room”. if you look closely, you can see other words around it. the phrase actually says “leave this in the bathroom”.
the letters are red because of a special type of pen that installers use to make cut notes on the back of vinyl flooring. and this works fine when the floor is floating.
however, these guys messed up- big time. they glued the floor down and weren’t supposed to.
the adhesive had a reaction with the pen and the markings bled through the vinyl flooring.”
case closed.
i chimed in: “but, if the words were written on the underside of the vinyl, wouldn’t they appear backwards if they bled through?”
she replied, ”oh, i flipped the image when i printed it so that it would be legible for you to read!”
”so, in your bathroom, these words that have appeared are actually backwards?” i asked.
”yeah, why?… oh.” she was overcome with embarrassment.
“so… my bathroom isn’t haunted?”
”no, ma’am!” the employee stated proudly.
she flew out of the chair, wrapped her arms around us, embraced in a hug.
and then she started to weep again. happy tears this time.
”you did it! you got rid of the ghost! i am so grateful for both of you. i can’t even remember the last time i slept through the night- but, i am going to sleep like a baby tonight!
thank you! thank you!”
she ripped up the photo. her face beaming, as she advanced towards the exit.
and then she made a hard 180 degree turn, pointed her finger, and said:
”this is on you. you guys screwed up my floor and ruined my life.
i want my floor reinstalled immediately.
and i expect compensation for my trouble and misery.”
the ghost was gone. and so was she.
and a single thought resided in my mind:
what is the monetary value to be reimbursed for haunting a customer’s bathroom?
OMG! I want more stories from the DEEP! THis had me hanging on, wanting more...Tell us more stories, plezzz!!!!