tales from the depot II.

pt. 2: hello foot, meet mouth.

if you haven’t caught pt. 1 of my TALES FROM THE DEPOT series (insert spooky voice here), make sure you check it out.

in the workplace, i’m a pretty solid communicator.
most of my staff will tell you that i’m clear, supportive, and can turn on the customer service charm in a moment’s notice.
i would like to think that i have a pretty good filter.
but, sometimes, it gets clogged and needs changing.

in 2011, the very last Depot in Canada opened its doors.
since then, all focus has been directed towards online retail vs. opening more brick and mortar stores. if you’ve ever watched the show “Superstore”, you’ll know what i’m talking about. that show is way too accurate. having worked in retail it’s equal parts cathartic and horrific.
(someday, i’ll regale you with horror stories of working 15 hour days and putting myself at risk of illness through covid curbside pickup. those were the days!)

the last Depot that opened was in a sister city that was a 30 minute drive from where i lived. as the store was being built, new employees were coming over to my store to train for their positions. i’m still not sure why they decided to pretty much hire 100 new employees and managers off the street vs. having some staff transfer over to help set up shop- but, not my call. i was but a lowly sales associate at the time.

in the 6 months leading up to the store’s opening, life at work felt like it was moving in slow motion while visitors came in and out. they were the houseguests that never seemed to leave.
”we decided to stick around for another week!” they would announce (week after week).

at the time, i worked in the smallest sales department: home decor.
the department was so tiny that it technically justify any hours to be staffed, but the company “invested” the labor into it and there was only ever one of us scheduled at a time.
the duties mostly involved cutting window blinds and shades, and desperately trying to upsell custom order product for customers. and not for the increased sale, but because i would much rather sit at a computer and order blinds than cut one down at the saw, trying to stay within the 1/8” tolerance of what was acceptable.
people will absolutely lose their minds if you don’t cut to the EXACT measurement that they provide you with. which is funny because you’re usually treated with the expectation that you should have the qualifications of a former carpenter and moved up in the career world by getting a job as a sales employee, despite having to learn how to read a tape measure through a google search and learning how to operate a blind cutter by translating the manual that was written in swedish with faded photos that was actually meant to go with an older model of the cutter that you were currently using.

once every hour or so, visitors from the new store would walk by incognito and ask questions. they never wore their aprons because they didn’t want to get stopped by customers.
what is the best thing about your department?
how do customers treat you?
are customers patient while you cut blinds?
how did you end up in this department?
(this particular question was my favorite to answer:
my manager wanted to “try an experiment” of putting a male in the home decor department to see if it would be male shoppers at ease when they would have to custom order blinds. 2011 was clearly a wild year at the Depot! overall, i don’t think it made a difference whatsoever. if anything, it promoted negative gender stereotypes for me. i would often have female customers refuse my help because “a man doesn’t know anything about home decor”.
it would bring me sinister joy when they would ask for a different employee, who would inevitably ask for my help for the entire interaction.

and then there were customers that would chronically make this joke when they would greet me:

are you the BLIND man?

and laugh hysterically and slap their knees, as though they had crafted the world’s perfect joke.
close down the comedy clubs- the perfect joke has arrived and the humor of mankind has reached its peak!
i recognize my cynicism- but, hearing that joke multiple times a day for 3 years got to be a bit much.)

as the months passed, i was getting a bit tired of the houseguests. they had stayed longer than anticipated. and i missed my peace and quiet.
my filter was in dire need of changing.
and yet, i still loved my job. i loved helping people. i loved being the go-to guy that everyone would seek out for specialized knowledge and wisdom.
it was also a curse: i still can’t walk into someone’s house or business without assessing their blinds and window shades. guessing their brand, model, and size.
i’m sick, i know.

keep reading. I'm about to give you some solid advice on how to kill your career.

however, i must have been in a foul mood this one day, when a woman with a bouncing brunette ponytail approached me.
”how long have you worked in this department?”
”3 years.” i was putting away wallpaper sample books while she asked the question. didn’t even look up.
”oh wow, that’s a long time! what’s the best part about your job?”
”custom ordering blinds can be fun. most people don’t know about blinds and window shades and there is a lot to learn.” still didn’t look up.
”that’s awesome! i love that!
what do you wish was different about this department? what would you change?”

i don’t know what came over me when she asked that.
i must have been possessed by the demon of “not being able to shut my trap”.
whatever it was, it hit a sore spot.
”i would change most of the products we sell.
we’re usually the first store that people shop at for inspiration when they start out on a renovation.
the department is supposed to be home decor, but most of the things that we sell haven’t been in style since the early 90s. whoever approves the products at the head office is clearly out of touch with current trends. i wish that they’d pick up a Style At Home magazine and see what customers actually want. whoever chooses the product selection for this department has no clue what they are doing.”
i wish i knew the context, but it must have been a really, really bad day at work.
this rant was out of character. probably.

she was taken aback. i could tell.
her eyes widened in shock.
it wasn’t the answer that these new hires for the new store wanted to hear.

“well, you’re in luck!
i’m actually the merchant for this department.
i make all of the buying decisions for what we sell in every store in Canada in the decor department. nice to meet you.”

oh.
my.
god.
oh no, i did not.
she wasn’t in training from the new store?
this had to be a joke. there had to be another explanation.
but, she wasn’t laughing.
my fate felt sealed. i might as well have cowered on the floor, handed over my orange apron and pleaded for mercy.

she sensed my fear and became very warm and reassuring.

”i’m on a tour right now across the entire country.
i’m going around to each store and asking for feedback.
and you are the first person that i’ve met who has given me honest feedback.
you’re the only person who hasn’t told me what they thought i wanted to hear.”
i stammered. “i am so, so sorry. had i known, i would never have said that!”
”no, no, no. it’s what i needed to hear! i’ll take your advice and flip through some magazines and get in touch with the trends.”

me after she dropped that bomb on me. (years ago, i took this photo of a bucket that a customer jumped on and destroyed because they were angry that they had to wait for their special order to come in…)

i didn’t say a word.
not a single word.
i couldn’t utter a sound because my foot was shoved so far down my throat that i was choking on it!
i was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
for her to fire me and make a public example out of my insolence.
in that moment, i wanted to bury myself under every wallpaper sample book that we have and just melt into the concrete below out of embarrassment and horror.
(spoiler alert: it’s 2024 and i’m still employed.)

“and steve-”
*gulp*
how did she know my name?!
oh. it was scrawled across my apron. damn it.
(i just had to use my artistic flair to write it massive in my fun handwriting.)
”i can’t promise that i can bring us into the trends of this century overnight,
but i’ll do my best to work on it.”
she gave me a wink and disappeared into the orange abyss.

i was convinced that I’d be looking for a new job…. for real though, this is a banner that my graphic designer wife created for the store years ago. pretty legit, right?!

thanks for checking out another tale from the Depot.
more to come. i promise. be prepared to laugh, cry and feel the feels.
if you want some Depot tales to hit your inbox, you can subscribe below.
but, no pressure. i appreciate you swinging by to hang out.

more to come. i promise. be prepared to laugh, cry and feel the feels.
if you want some Depot tales to hit your inbox, you can subscribe below.
but, no pressure. i appreciate you swinging by to hang out.

**this has nothing to do with anything, but sometimes i like to know what people are listening to while they write (if they’re into that practice). this song has no connection with the stories that i shared, but heard it in the mall the other day while i was with my 14 year old daughter and it’s been stuck in my head since. sometimes i need to listen to a song repeatedly to get it out of my head. and you probably would have loved to see the absolute horror on my daughter’s face while i was singing and dancing to this song as we walked through the mall. it’s a parent perk. 😂
actually, maybe the song is fitting: “smooth like butter” is the literal opposite of what i was in this Depot tale.**